Title: Hey You
Author: Monica
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: House/Wilson if you wear slash goggles
Summary: Surgery is a dangerous thing by itself, but if a patient is lying about something, then the consequences can be devastating.  Unfortunately, everybody lies--even House.

Hey You
I'm praying for a miracle
But I won't hold my breath
I never said I was perfect
But can you take me home?

Faster.

No.  Unless you actually want to be a deaf QUADRIPLEGIC.

MORON.  I can’t see what you’re saying while you’re pushing the WHEELCHAIR.

Oh, the possibilities...

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Did you know that I can still drive?

No. 

Which is pretty weird.  What would happen if there was a FIRETRUCK and I didn’t pull over?  Can’t I get ARRESTED for that?

—

Are you pissed at me already?

House!  I can’t talk and drive at the same time!

You mean you never learned to drive with your knees?

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have you cleaned my APARTMENT since the SURGERY?

House! 

We’re at a stoplight.  I can see five people that are talking on their CELL PHONES. 

Stop it!

Look, that woman over there is looking at PORN on the INTERNET.

Seriously? 

—

She is not!  She’s—now you made me miss the green light! 

So you got HONKED at.  Big deal. 

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Hey!  Where’s my BIKE?

I was worried that it would get STOLEN, so I put it in my parking spot at the HOTEL.

I want it back.  Let’s go get it.

Right now?

Yes, right now.  Why not?

You’re not—House, you’re not going to ride a MOTORCYCLE.  You just had your SKULL cracked open last week.  If you got into an ACCIDENT...

Then I’d die happy, and you wouldn’t have to pay for a CASKET.  Please?

No.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It smells funny in here.  You didn’t bring your girlfriend here and have SEX all over my COUCH, did you?

Yes.  Every day.

You don’t have a girlfriend.

You might as well be my girlfriend.  You’re more work than all the girls I’ve dated put together.

Well, I’m obviously worth it.  You’ve been with me longer than all the girls that you’ve ever dated put together.

You are worth it. 

—

—

Group hug time!

Shut up.  What do you want for dinner?

CHINESE.  You’re paying.

Go ahead and sit down on the couch.  I’ll get the—

Yes?

Oh, you must think you’re clever.  You can go get the phone yourself.  I’m going to sit down and relax.

Getting the phone to order dinner doesn’t count as ENABLING! 

You were going to call me on it as soon as I brought you the phone, weren’t you?  Oh, no.  You’re getting your own phone.

Wilson!

And you’re paying.